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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in An exclusive support community for mental health's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
8:27 am
My son made himself a tinfoil hat...Collapse )

Edited: Fixed my HTML fail.

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, June 28th, 2009
3:10 am
Yes, I have social phobia, telephone phobia, and people phobia, but also...Freeway anxiety
Does anyone here have freeway anxiety?

I can drive on the freeway maybe for a few miles, but then that old anxiety kicks in. I start to think, Oh no, I'm going to have a panic attack and drive my car into the divider or cause an accident.

I live in CA where the freeways are multi-lanes, and there are many overpasses and freeway merges. Needless to say, driving on the freeway scares the shit out of me.

I have discovered a little remedy, though. If I drink a little vodka, or alcohol, it seems to shut down that anxiety part of my brain, and I can drive on the freeway with no problem at all.

But I don't want to risk getting a DUI.

I've taken a Valium but it doesn't seem to help very much.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?

Thanks in advance!

P.S. You know, I haven't driven on the freeway for years now, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I have a son, and I want to take him places. I don't want him to miss out just because I have this stupid phobia.
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
7:30 pm
I suck at life. I try so hard to stay up and smiley but everytime I turn around, something kicks me in the ass and it feels like a little piece of me dies. I am so damn tired of it. I am tired of not being in control of my own life. I am tired of feeling like the worlds worst wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. The people in my life don't make me feel like that. I just do. They try and bring me up but its like I just can't get there. I am so far down it doesn't feel like I can ever get back up again.

I'm sorry you guys. I know that you all have your own stuff you are dealing with. I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
5:28 pm
Question of sorts...
Today while I was out at an appoinment and then a quick stop at a friend's place, I noticed that I seem to be losing my tolerance for being out of the house. I don't have a full-on panic attack or anything, but I get more uneasy and eager to return home as possible and any obstacle to that goal seem like a MAJOR inconvenience. By the time I make it home I have to take a klonopin. This however does not apply when it comes to work. I actually really like my job and don't mind going. But getting me out of the house otherwise is like pulling teeth. 

Confession: My Gramma is an an extended care facility (she's in good health for her age, don't worry) the point is that it is nowhere near out of my way to go see her. It's literally about half a mile from my house.  I haven't been to see her in a couple months, I think. What's up with that? I love my Gramma. I just don't like going out of the house. Anyone have some experience or insight with this?  

Current Mood: curious
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
1:40 pm
Here's a Little Story About WTF.
Imagine you've been at a birthday party. Imagine you've had a few cocktails.
Imagine you've got a designated driver, and all is going well, and you pull up in your driveway on the way to the next party, and you're dancing up the driveway, singing and be-bopping, and what is that bald guy doing at the empty house next door?

Wait. No, really. What is that guy doing?

Oh, now it's clear. He's telling you that he's with the Vice Squad, and he's just keeping a lookout on the smackhouse down the way. By the way, he needs your backyard for a week or two.

Though he doesn't flash a badge, you can see his uniform, and the police chopper hovering over your backyard is pretty convincing. As are the half-dozen cop cars circling your block, and the undercover officers parked out front.

And then you:
a) tell him that you're most certainly not running a smackhouse!
b) piss your pants
c) both a and b

I've known they were staking something out ever since I moved in- there have been cruisers parked all over the place at various times of day.

At the same time, I'm half shitting myself that he was really Vice and half shitting myself that he wasn't.

Either way, I mentioned to him that if he noticed someone fucking around in my garage, to go ahead and get them out of there. I'm sick of people breaking into my garage and not stealing anything. He thinks they might be going in there to get high.

Well, it is kinda cozy.

Though maybe not with the helicopter buzzing over all the damned time.

I hope I'm not home when the shoot-out happens.
Monday, March 16th, 2009
7:30 am
hello everyone.
i'm new.
my name is danielle and i'm 19
i have an official diagnoses of
GAD, OCD, EDNOS and Major Depressive disorder.

im excited to meet you all!!!!!

question: are we allowed to speak about medication on this site at all?

hope everyone is doing well :)
Monday, March 9th, 2009
12:25 pm
That Shouldn't Even Be Legal
Last night I had a panic attack of epic proportions.

About absolutely nothing.

No, really. I was lying there, watching Bewitched on television, cuddled up with my two cats, and out of nowhere, I started breathing heavily, my chest tightened up, I got that "let's puke" feeling in my throat, and terror just spread right through me.

And I laid there, trying to breathe deeply (breathe at all, really), trying to rack my brains to find out what was setting me off... if I could just find out the trigger, I could work myself through this.

But there was no trigger.

Was it because Harvey (cat) had diarrhea? No, that's to be expected when he starts nomming on the buffet at a dinner party.

Was it because someone broke into my garage? No, because there's nothing really fascinating in there. They left the bikes. I don't even care if they take the bikes.

Did I leave a gate open at the barn? Nope. When I left, the ponies were happily munching hay in the back paddock.

Was it job terror? Nope. Just got a raise.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? How do you get through it? Eventually, I wore myself out with my anxiety and slept from 2 to 4ish. Today I'm exhausted, but still feel like I'm on the edge of a pin.

I'd rather not repeat that, though... .
Thursday, February 12th, 2009
12:54 pm
I Just Have to Say It.
If one more person says, "Oh, someday you'll get to celebrate Valentine's Day," I'm going to lift all anti-violence rules and smack a bitch up.

Seriously. If my coworkers had any idea how much raspy breathing, pulse-racing, sweaty-faced emotional palpatation is going on while they lecture that I just haven't found "The One," and that someday, I'll get married and have a few kids, and everything's just gonna be great... I don't know that they would do that to me.

I don't care to get married. I don't like being in relationships- they turn me into a totally different person, and then I need to get out of them and get therapy. I function better on my own- THAT'S what makes me happy. I'm glad you've found the one (through six) husbands for you, but it doesn't happen to everyone. I don't want any kids. I'm not even that fond of sex.

I don't think that makes me a bad person, but apparently I'm alone in this sentiment.

But hey, thanks for all the guilt and crushing loneliness you bring when you tell me that I might just die alone if I don't get hopping. 'Preciate that.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2009
11:13 am
Those of you that work, do you ever have days where you just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and hide, or do you ever feel like you should just give up because clearly you suck at life and you're terrible at what you do and that you're in the wrong field/industry/company and that you're gonna get fired because it's just a matter of time before they realize how badly you suck and you always screw up everything and they're totally going to look back and see the sick days you took and that you're a slacker and they're going to uncover a myriad of things you did wrong and fire you?
Please note: no huge mistakes were made to your knowledge, but you FEEL like you just ruined the world.
How do you stop yourself from thinking like that? I'm ready to hide in bed for a month. I feel like the worst employee ever right now, and that's probably rather irrational.

Current Mood: anxious
Monday, January 19th, 2009
7:23 pm
My name is Brian, I'm 28 years old and I reside in Desert Hot Springs, CA.

I suffer from reactionary depression as well as general anxiety disorder. I have a long and troubled history due to family, social situations, and events that have happened in my life that have been hard to live with.

I've taken a variety of medications over the years. I've taken Celexa on 2 occasions, Lexapro, Effexor, Xanax, and Ativan. I've been in therapy on again and off again with insurance allowing. I was off of anti-depressants and anxiety medication from 2005 until this time last year after I went through some deep family drama. I was prescribed Ativan and Celexa as my method of treatment. I ended up feeling worse on Celexa and was taken off of Celexa due to the fact my situation is not a chemical one. The Ativan is something I developed a tolerance to in a short time due to a high prescribed daily dosage. I'm currently doing a Valium taper which should end the whole process in a couple of weeks from now.

I'm also a practicing Buddhist and have used Buddhist teachings along with meditation as a way of coping. I have found that it really helps and it's beginning to help me transform a lot of my negative thoughts and anxious feelings.
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
5:55 pm
I hate the holidays. I hate the holidays so, so much.

I've just finished getting screamed at by my mother, because I'm going to my father's house for Christmas this year.

I made this decision not because I actually want to spend time with him and his children, but because I haven't spent a holiday with him in years, and I was sick of getting shit about it from him (during our bi-monthly conversations).

Furthermore, if I spend the holiday with my mother, she'll spend the day drunkenly screaming at me about all the things I've done that she hates, culminating with throwing silverware at me, until I decide I would rather kill myself than pretend the holidays are awesome.

So she just screamed at me because:
a) I still plan on going up there
b) I haven't checked the Michigan weather
c) there was a 30-car pile-up somewhere in Michigan, sometime in the past
d) I'm just going to get gifts that I don't really need
e) I'm so completely fucking worthless
f) I'm just abandoning her, and I obviously don't care about her
g) my father hates me, so why do I give him any of my time
h) I waste my money on them

I am at WORK. She just did this on a RECORDED FUCKING LINE. I am so fucking busy that I'm about to lose my MIND, because I have until Wednesday at 2 to finish everything, so I can leave and go to Michigan.

I usually ignore her when she does all this, but my bullshit quota has been met for several months now. I'm so sick of having a mother that is that fucking nuts, and having to deal with it all the time.

I'm sick of having a father that's such an ass that I don't care to deal with him, either.

I'm sick of having to pretend my life isn't completely shit.

I wish I didn't have to switch to the generic version of my BC pills, because the formulary version was doing a fantastic job of keeping my PMDD in check, and right now, it's definitely being magnified.

I don't want to Christmas shop for people who don't love me, and that includes my mother. I don't know how she can say she loves me when I'm just her fucking PAWN.

If one more person hopes my family and I have a happy holiday, I might punch them in the face. THAT is offensive to me. Wish me a Christmas or a Kwanzaa or a Hannukah or a Festivus... whatever. But leave my family out of this.
Monday, December 8th, 2008
11:56 pm
Another update in my brothers case
Yet another sad, yet hopeful moment in my life....

My brothers latest blog on his case

"I have not yet begun to fight."-John Paul Jones

The American spirit is well embodied in that statement, made Aug 14th, 1779.

Since DCFS is making a farce of due process and wiping their asses with the Constitution, it's time to roll the log over so that all may see the rotting underside replete with creepy crawlies and decidedly slimy textures.

In other areas, it's been asked, "Why does Mr. Newton have so much music on his hard drives?" "Who is "moob"?" "Why does someone NEED 6 computers in their house?"

Are you fucking serious?

My collection of music is paltry compared to some libraries I've seen. (<460GB)
There are people out there with multi TERABYTE collections of music. ...and most importantly, my collection of music has NOTHING TO DO with the case at hand.

Who is "moob"? I was a bit confused by this question until I did a quick google search, which promptly turned up "Moob is an amalgamation of "Man boob". OOooookay. Apparently they thought I was in cahoots with the nefarious Saggy al Moob al Overweightistan.

My military attorney actually laughed pretty hard at the last question. You have to have a geek in your house to understand the humor there, and thankfully, she does. Her husband is likewise a geek, and they have no less than 5 laptops in their house.

Basically, the military investigators are on a fishing trip, and have taken to going around, hats in hand, asking for a handout from anyone I work with.

Problem is, nothing is there. So, now we've just got state employees and their contractors who are trying to hold as many "interviews" and "assessments" as they can to try to twist our words into something that resembles the words of bad parents.

...all the while, having the gall to lie to our faces at the same time.

Jig is up, we're not going to take the abuse any more.

You've taken our daughter away, and her memories of this holiday season are tearful confusion with some fucking foster care facility instead of in her own home.

DCFS tells Sherry, "Sorry, we can't give more than one hour of visitation a week, we can't afford to pay someone to supervise any more than that."

Apparently we need a 6-figure income to hire the lawyer who could fight them effectively. We don't have that kind of money, but we're going to put all the chips we have into the pot.

...but, I digress, now it's time to show everyone what DCFS really is, and what they do to countless other innocent victims.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if we don't try everything we can.

Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction.

I'm almost thinking of starting a legal fund for him. What do you guys think? And if so would you help me get the word out for donations?

Current Mood: cranky
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
1:20 am
Update on my brothers case...
I called my brother around 7PM to see how their hearing went, and if they regained their rightful custody of Rowan, Last discussed here.

Unfortunatly my brother informed me that for some reason his wifes lawyer couldn't be there... And also they were not allowed to enter the courtroom, It was only the lawyers, judge, and DCFS. What happened is DCFS asked for a continuance and the judge freakin approved it! January 20th. is the next hearing... Basically DCFS can't get shit on my brother or his wife and instead of realizing they are in the wrong they are being stubborn. The worse part, Which really makes me want to strangle a mofo is that they found out Brenda is being allowed to have visits with Rowan, Even though she is not supposed to have any visitation! Basically we figure DCFS wants to let Brenda confuse Rowan more that way if they actually get on trial their stories will match up. Who fuckin knows?

The good news in all this is that My brother and his wife have not and will not give up, They are working on speeding up the next hearing to be within the next week or so.

I swear if this part of the case isn't cleared up by the holidays I'm going to be all over DCFS's ass, As a matter of fact I'm going to contact them tomorrow and bitch to whoever is in charge of the case. Once again Rowans lawyer said She should be allowed to return home!

Current Mood: infuriated
Monday, November 3rd, 2008
12:36 pm
Things That Make You Want to Clear The Area with a Swift Kick
Apparently, the payment slip placed in my closing documents was for the WRONG FUCKING BANK.

So while the bank that now owns my mortgage feels I'm completely up to date on my payments, the one who had it for the month prior does not agree. It probably would've been great if they'd included a payment slip with the FUCKING CLOSING DOCUMENTS.

Instead, I'll be paying two mortgages this month. Superb. Really.

Anxiety. Like. Whoa.
Friday, October 31st, 2008
10:28 pm
Update in my brothers case
Sad day, Unfortunatly the judge in his case has decided to keep Rowan in a foster home till the next hearing (Nov. 18th) at which time he'll review all new evidence and any findings or whatever from DCFS. The good news is that the judge also decided that Rowan was not going to live with her grandmother (Brenda) either.

My brother told me that even his daughters lawyer (supplied by DCFS I'm guessing) told the judge that Rowan should be allowed to go home, yet the judge chose to play it "safe".

Freakin hell...

So when this next hearing comes along I'm certain the judge will allow Rowan to return to her mother (Sherry) However because of the charges, there is a criminal investigation along with the child safty investigation. So even when Rowan returns, My brother has to then move out of his own home till his name is cleared.

Luckily because of being in the military he's secured a place on base to stay. It's still not right. Atleast when they are sent over seas they have plenty of time to talk to Rowan and explain where they are going and to make sure she's going to be with a family member (Sane ones from now on...) Unlike in this case where Rowan was pulled from her home without the chance to say goodbye to her father (Not sure if she was able to do so to her mother either)

I'll shut up now, All will be ok, I know this... But I worry for Rowan. Not for my brother and sister (in law) so much because they can handel this, they will rise above it, Rowan's mind is young and she doesn't totally understand whats going on. Will she ever trust her good grand parents anymore? Will she trust her own parents?

web tracker

Current Mood: sad
Thursday, October 30th, 2008
11:37 pm
What whould you do?
My brother Danny, and his wife are going through a very hard time, This affects myself and my parents and all who love my brother. Many of you know him from long ago. From his shenanigans to his wit and general appeal. He's an upstanding citizen.

Some months ago his mother in law made claims of molestation towards his daughter to his wife, They were found to be bullshit quickly... Sherry (My brothers wife) Talked to Rowan (their daughter) and got the truth that her mother had been coaching Rowan to say things about stuff Dan forced her to do... All untrue.

This was while Rowan was under her (mother in law) care while Dan and his wife we're over seas serving their country. Yes both parents sent at the same time, My brother to Djibouti Africa and Sherry to Iraq. When they discovered this info they quickly pulled Rowan from her care and put her with Sherry's father... All was ok.

Well Sherry's mother went on a drinking binge and moved to another state... Upset that she didn't succeed in her quest... Which was basically her upset that Rowan has to go through a military upbringing... Moving once a every year or two. And having one or both parents away from her for 3, 6, or 12 months at a time while they are overseas, So she has tried again, She now went to the USAF and made the same claims. Unfortunately the way the system works they automatically believe the accuser and have pulled Rowan from her home and made life hell for my brother and sister (in law). I'm pissed!

Here is my brothers most recent blog on the matter, I'd share all three of them but he has since made the other two private from public view.

DCFS: 1-618-394-2150
DCFS Fax: 1-618-394-2153
Chiquita Adams (DCFS) 1-618-394-2160

The Illinois Department of Family and Child Services took our daughter, Rowan, out of the home she was staying at. Yesterday, representatives from the DCFS, Chiquita Adams and Carla Long, along with other members, called my wife and attempted to force an ultimatum. They told my wife she had no more than 15 minutes to decide where to send Rowan. Two choices were given by the DCFS.

A foster home.
Brenda Delill.

Brenda Delill is a grandparent, and Sherry's biological mom, who started all this.

Brenda Delill has pulled this stunt before. The impact was much less back when she had done it before.

Brenda claimed that Sherry's biological father had molested Sherry, and had "date raped" Brenda. ...this was to get sole custody of Sherry.

Back then, an investigation was done, and the claims were discovered to be unfounded.

We live in a different world now.

DCFS gets paid to believe that any parent, and especially any male that comes across their cases, is a child molester, abuser, and is unfit to be a parent.

They aren't paid, and they don't get a budget to find the truth.

They keep their jobs by finding, and as we've discovered some of the reports Mrs. Adams has made, fabricating statements to give justification to their jobs.

Parents. I know you would do the same thing Sherry did when they tried to force her hand. You would say hell no. You would DEFINITELY not send your child to a relative who's lost their perception of reality.

DCFS doesn't like what Rowan is saying. Rowan says she wants to come home. DCFS assumes that we've been manipulating her somehow. We have not. We are being parents who love our Rowan and love the strength of our family.
Sherry has been supervised every time she has gone to see Rowan. I have not been allowed, and have not, seen, talked to, written or in any way communicated with Rowan since late September. DCFS said that complying with the verbal no contact order given by my First Sergeant would help greatly in getting our daughter back into her OWN home.

Instead, they've moved her further away. Aside from DCFS, we've been lied to by nearly every agency involved in this mess. Sometimes it was not intentional, I understand, but telling someone your family will be back together and then tearing it even further apart is sick, and is nothing more than torture for Rowan and us.

Until Rowan tells DCFS what THEY want to hear, they'll keep torturing Rowan.

We'll be going to court within 38 hours to see what cards DCFS, Destroying Children and Families Systematically, has to lay on the table.

Brenda Delill is an alcoholic. Agents say they searched her trash and found no bottles.
Brenda Delill is back in New York. New York is a deposit state, in that you get money for turning in your bottles and cans. They wouldn't be in the trash.

Brenda Delill lives about 400 feet from the only bar for 10 miles.

Brenda Delill's MySpace page says she likes "Two Dance and bar hop" (sic).
(Don't worry, we've saved the page in case she decides that isn't what she wants her "About Me" section to say.)

My lawyer says that DCFS regularly tears families apart.

...I think they're just hoping we'll give up on our child, like some parents did.
It won't happen.

web tracker

Current Mood: irate
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
12:09 pm
I'm meeting someone for the first time tomorrow that I've known online for 8 years. He'll be staying with me for 4 days. I'm about ready to go hide in Antarctica so I don't have to deal with any of this. I'm SO freaking out. Social anxiety up the wazoo, here.

Suggestions to help me go through with this? D:
Thursday, October 9th, 2008
9:21 am
i will intro you so hard.
hi, all!

a quick intro about myself in the sense of full disclosure to you all; if you are uncomfortable with me being here, that's fine!  i'm erin, 27.  i have a masters in counseling but currently work in higher education and don't practice professionally.  once i tire of the college world, i will pursue private practice.  this fact doesn't mean i'm personally immune to the thoughts, feelings and experiences you all have, though.

my mother is bipolar, which is where my earliest memories of mental health issues stem from, obviously.  throughout my life, i've always been "mom" to my friends: i am well known for taking care of everyone else before myself, which is a problem in itself at times!  i went through a very dark depression in 2004, but i was able to make some very positive life changes that helped pull me out.  i still get down now and then, but i am able to recognize my experiences and identify them when i know i need more help.

i'm happy to be part of this community to offer my personal opinion and assistance if you all are ok with me being here!  i completely understand if my presence would make people uneasy, as i cannot claim to go through many of the things you all so bravely mentioned in your intros.

have a wonderful thursday!

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